I had two major discoveries over the past 2 days. Yesterday I was googling yoga poses, as I do periodically to read more about what others have to say about the poses I'm doing. I discovered quite by accident that my hero's pose, which I've always thought was a simple sitting on your feet pose isn't sitting on your feet at all. Your feet are actually to the side of your butt. That changes the pose dramatically for me, and now I have to learn a new post :)
The second discovery was that I could do the handstand. The handstand has always been my nemesis. I've been able to do it in the doorway with no problem whatsoever, and it feels effortless. But kicking against the wall has been an exercise in overcoming horrible fright -- the fright of my arms collapsing and my plunging body crushing my head and neck. I've been kicking and kicking and feeling like I'm getting nowhere. The wall just never seems to be there for me.
Last night I asked John to lift my legs and put it against the wall (as I do regularly) so I could feel the final position. It seemed as though my legs and my back were bending so far back, it felt very stressful to my entire body. And my arms were seriously overstressed. I was frustrated, and so decided to quit and continue to periodically work on it, and vowed to keep doing it in the doorway until I could learn it the "proper" way, kicking against the wall. This morning, after my Power Yoga workout, I did a handstand in the doorway and studied my positioning. My legs and back did not arch way back, and my legs and arms were at ease. It's been baffling to me that the doorway has felt so simple and yet against the wall so incredibly frightening and hard.
I noticed that my starting position in the doorway is with my head and back supported along the door jamb, as I walk my feet up the other jamb. I'd already decided long ago that the proper starting position when kicking to the wall was with hands about 3 inches away from the wall and back and head not supported by the wall in the initial kick. This morning I decided to support them and try the kick. I was shocked beyond belief that after about 2 kicks I found myself in a handstand. Is part of the reason I was able to do this that my arms are much stronger now? Am I better at analyzing my yoga poses? I can't explain how this exact same experiment which failed so miserably 5 months ago happened almost with no fanfare this morning.
Yoga continues to teach me that one of the great lessons in life is that there is no such thing as impossible. Life's been tough going since my breast cancer treatments in 2001. It's not the cancer itself that is the issue -- I never felt or saw that. It's the challenge of the cancer and my treatments forcing upon me all of the things I've neglected my entire life -- my physical, spiritual, and mental well-being.
For all of these years, I've thought that I would never use my arms for anything significant again in my life. This morning I did the 20 or so push-ups that the Power Yoga DvD sends you through, breezed through the triangle, side angle, and upward bow poses, and did the pyramid pose with my hands in namaste behind my back. Then I did a 20-second handstand.
Just as I do my yoga poses and every day I feel some tiny muscle that fussed yesterday giving in today, and I feel those tiny muscles every day giving in little by little, I'm also finding that little by little I'm gaining my courage and my ability to see that "impossible" just doesn't exist.
